Re: Write me back.

As a child, I always wanted to do everything alone. My independence was something I couldn't wait to experience. Always wanting to walk alone, talk alone, play alone. I was annoyed when people would not leave me alone, especially at school where everyone wanted to be my friend (for the first few years, anyway).

So here I am, pushing 30 and living my childhood wish, to be alone. Except it was a child's wish, not a 30-year-old's wish. Sure, I enjoy being in my own place and having my own money and making my own choices, but I also like to stay connected with other human beings for the sake of stabilizing my own mental health.

What a joy to have the internet at our fingertips everywhere we go in 2010 (had the internet been available when I was a child, I probably would have never experienced the solo life for one minute as I did); it makes it so easy to write and respond to others in just minutes, or even seconds, if you are not a novelist by nature.

Which leads me to my current heartbreak: the absence of e-mail responses I receive from certain friends in my life, and other acquaintances. I take the time to write e-mails to people that mean something to me in some fashion, and I don't get a response.

It isn't just the absence of e-mail responses, either; it is the absence of response, period. One example: I was practically best friends with a guy that I'd met as a freshman at GVSU for about two years. We did everything together; ate together, did photo shoots together (he is a photographer and quite talented), talked about everything, laughed; went places together; things that friends do.

I transferred out of GVSU after my sophomore year to Concordia University Wisconsin, and he dropped me like a lead balloon. Or like a bag of dirt, as I'd felt at the time.

My numerous phonecalls and e-mails were never responded to, and I could not figure out for the life of me why he had put me out of his mind so fast, especially after all of our time and experiences together, and all the promises he'd made to come visit me and call regularly (after all, we were practically best friends so I had no reason to believe otherwise).

Since then, I did manage to find his phone number from a colleague of his that I found online (thank you again, Internet) and called him about 3-4 years ago. The conversation felt unnatural and strained, with him doing most of the talking - about himself - and I was genuinely angry with him by the time I hung up the phone.

I found him on Facebook and found his photography website last week, and tried to contact him again, wishing him a happy belated 30th birthday and mentioned that his photography had nearly brought me to tears, it was so stunning. It would have been nice to have received even a simple "thank-you" or "nice to hear from you, Jill," etc.

Nothing.

I can rattle off plenty of other examples of abandonment (including all of the men I've tried contacting via various singles sites or even my own siblings who don't care to get too involved except every so often with their younger sibling's life), but this sounds enough like a pity party as it is.

My point is: the internet has made it so easy and FAST to communicate with each other. Gone are the days of having to sit down and compose a letter on paper, which takes 15x longer. I can hardly accept that people are "too busy." Give me a break. Everyone is "busy." You can't carve out 45 seconds of your busy day to thank an old friend for wishing you a happy birthday and complimenting you on your work?

You know how many times I have racked my brain trying to think of the things I might have done to piss people off, only to finally realize later that it probably had nothing to do with me? Is it possible that my male friend felt rejected for those two years because we were just friends and nothing more, and maybe that's what he wanted all along? And now he is closing our short window of friendship by being a jackass and not talking to me at all? It really hurts me.

I ask God sometimes: How far are you going to take this? How long will I be alone? Is this seriously what you want for my life - for me to stay in isolation? For me to continue pouring out affection to others, only to be acknowledged by space and time? I even tried joining another singles site earlier this week and thought I'd give it yet another shot. I saw a man's profile that really made me jumpy; I mean, he sounded just awesome. I sent him a short note expressing some interest in his profile, and you know what I've gotten in return so far?