Come Again?

Delilah* told me today that she loves working here and loves all of the people here. I couldn't believe my ears. I began wondering what kind of affliction a person would need to have in order to enjoy working here. Dimentia? Schizophrenia? Certainly not ADD; that would send them right out the door.

I began asking myself, Have I ever liked my job? Have I ever looked forward to coming in, or enjoyed what I was doing while I was here? How sad is it when I cannot even produce a single "yes" in response. When I first started working here, I remember feeling happy that I HAD a job after being unemployed for 8 months. After a few weeks, however, I began feeling bored, depressed, and incredibly anxious once I began receiving paychecks that were not able to cover all of my bills.

In my nearly five years with this company, I have experienced record amounts of anxiety, depression, frustration, anger, and resentment. Working in an office (at least here), I have learned that you are generally supposed to keep to yourself and limit those conversations that are unrelated to work. All personal problems need to be kept secret, and any show of emotion due to being upset, angry, or anything else producing tears is largely frowned upon. I've even felt guilty for laughing and telling funny stories at times. I have been lied to, talked about behind my back, yelled at, ignored, discriminated against for my gender, sexually harassed, and laughed at. I have sat at my desk holding back tears for an entire day at a time; I have walked laps around the parking lot in the evening because I was too angry to drive home safely; I have allowed my place of employment to make me feel less than human way more times than I can count.

How in the world have I stuck it out for so long? How long does it generally take before someone has simply had enough and decides to pack up their things?

One way to look at it is, if God had wanted me to leave at some point, He would have provided me with the resources to do so. Another employer would have hired me at one of the numerous jobs I've applied for over the years; I would have acquired a large sum of money sustaining me long enough to find employment elsewhere; I would be married to a kind man who would tell me to let the job go if it was tearing me up inside, and that we'd figure it out financially for the sake of my peace and health; I would be let go and eligible for unemployment benefits until I found work again. And any other scenario that would allow me to be free.

But alas, none of these have happened. It leaves me with the belief that I had to go through what I've gone through for one or more reasons that I am unaware of, but that God is aware of. Perhaps I needed to be strengthened or disciplined; maybe I needed to learn how to forgive or to be patient. Whatever it is, I'm not seeing it now, though I hope that down the road, I will.

With my 30th birthday just around the corner next month, I have been reflecting on where I am at in life and where I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be anymore. Some days I feel so sure of what I want, and others leave me feeling weary, indecisive, and sad. I ask why things have happened as they have, and why they didn't happen how I'd wanted them to.

And Delilah loves it here. I was wondering which part she enjoyed the most: the monotonous, robotic work assignments; the absence of adequate vacation time; the close monitoring of time spent away from our desks; the lack of communication from our supervisor; the obvious chauvinistic attitude shared by most in the company; the absence of advancement opportunities in our department; the SILENCE (oh my word, the silence...) we sit through for 8 hours a day, in our dimly lit office, with no windows, and rarely any visitors; the horrendous smells in the restroom; the horrendous Lysol that is sprayed to try and battle the horrendous smells only to nearly cause nosebleeds and asthma attacks on unsuspecting patrons; and the antiquated way the company is managed that is even too embarrassing for me to disclose in this blog.

But, she loves it here. So more power to her.

In the meantime, I am gearing up for a trip to Taiwan next month. I don't know exactly how long I'll be gone, but I don't imagine it will be long enough. I may find paradise, however, and decide not to return. I'll let you know what I decide.

*not her real name, of course. Who names their kid 'Delilah?'